Bridget Jones

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. You voted on the survey about what the next topic should be on my Mozambican blog and the subject you really really are dying to hear about is Bridget Jones. A chubby desperate pale single girl from the UK? I guess James didn't vote otherwise I'm pretty sure a different category would've popped up as the clear winner...

Well, to start of with, there are no people from the UK in Mozambique. Not a single one seen so far, which is not so unusual as it is not a former British colony and not the Spanish coast (which seem like the only places Brits go to). Oh by the way, for some weird reason Mozambique does get to participate in the commonwealth games.

So not a Brit to be seen, apart from an old guy that has been working here a while and sits in the hotel bar every single night from 18 hrs onwards waiting for his local girlfriend (which could've been his granddaughter). Sometimes she's late, which is not entirely unusual over here, and by then he's gone a bit drunk (due to the continuous drinking without yet having had dinner) and starts mumbling to himself with the occasional yelled out complaint towards the live entertainment. What he complains about? Oh, in the middle of a Whitney Houston song he'll scream out something like "Sing in English! None of this local language bullsh*t!".

Of course, at some point his 'baby' shows up and then the entire bar gets to enjoy the scene where he tells the girl that she's late and she apologises. A bit like a primary school teacher telling off his student. Highly disgusting. Enough about the Mackerel (which is our nickname for him).

If I look around here for Bridget Jones, what resembles her most are the female South African tourists. You get a bunch of them invading the city and its nearby beaches. 90% of the tourism here is from the RSA since it is the shortest route to a beach from the eastern side of South Africa. These guys an' gals are exactly that: guys an' gals.

They highly resemble what in the US would be called red necks! Big obnoxious farmers with their sloppy wives and girlfriends invading Maputo with huge 4x4's acting as if they own the country. The real Afrikaners. Also, a lot of the beach houses and hostels up north are owned by South Africans and you hear really bad stories about how they treat their local staff. Often they also do not accept guests which are a bit more 'tanned', if you know what I mean. They probably still live in that era when Mandela was still on Robben island (no, not named after Arjen). Of course, I am talking here about a specific group of South Africans, mostly (game) farmers, which are probably not representative of the country (my apologies Kevin, in case you read this and feel offended).

So what else can I say about Bridget Jones? The local Bridget Jones' are very active and aggressive. They do not sit around in a corner praying some handsome guy will court them. They do sit in a corner, but that is where the comparison stops. They sit there and scan the area for prey. If you are a foreigner and you dare to look at one for more than 0.7 seconds (yes, I have done the full experiment and that seems to be tipping point) then you can bet she will get up and jump all over you. Hello mister meal ticket! It will take you 0.7 hours to undo your 0.7 seconds.

These girls are not what one would call 'working girls'. They are comparable to what in Singapore is known as SPG's, Singapore Party Girls. Mostly very attractive and representative girls, wearing expensive clothing and jewellery (very likely donated by the one before you), hanging out in hotels and touristy bars and speaking fluent English. The concept is simple, they hang out with you and you pay the bills and buy her a few gifts. I guess you can see them as a one woman Escort Service. Self employed company!

And in case you were wondering, the answer is no...

PS: The survey on this blog has been updated, so feel free to vote again.